One of the things I struggle with most is kindness, both to myself and to others.
I think this may partially come from my training as a classical musician. Since I was a kid, I’ve gotten very practiced at scanning myself and every situation I’m in for flaws. My brain is very good at finding what’s wrong with a situation and overlooking what’s right. And while I’ve read that the human brain in all of us is hardwired to seek out the negative, I think that this habit of hypercriticism has made me maybe just a little bit more rigid, a little bit more perfectionistic.
This is why I often find myself struggling with trusting that things will work out.
Often, I feel unsafe, which makes it hard to feel calm and connect to other people.
Here’s one skill that I’ve found helpful:
You may have heard of Loving Kindness Meditation, which is a way to practice feeling kindness for yourself and others. This meditation can lead to increased feelings of safety and connection.
This version is from Radically Open Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (RODBT).
Loving Kindness Meditation is a way to shift our mood so that we may activate our brain’s social safety system, or our ability to feel safe and open with others. The RODBT Loving Kindness Meditation (LKM) is meant to be used before social encounters and its effects have been reported to last from 20 minutes to 4 hours.
I’ve used this meditation to help me before a range of stressful situations: as part of my pre-performance routine, before interviews and professional meetings, and even before social situations like dates and parties.
A lot of us folks who may be over controlled (which can include people who are perfectionist and striving) can find directing feelings of love and kindness towards ourselves distressing, which is why RODBT LKM focuses on creating a sense of warm feelings and then directing them towards people we know and also people we don’t know.
The main difference of Loving Kindness Meditation in the RODBT practice is that the goal is not to increase our feelings of love or kindness towards ourselves so much as it is to increase those feelings towards others, which can lead us to feeling calmer and more open to social connection.
A friendly reminder that while I’m not a professional therapist, I’m sharing tools and skills that I’m learning to help me feel a little bit better, in the hopes that they might help you feel a little bit better, too.
So, how do I practice RODBT LKM?
While a daily practice of this short exercise is recommended, I’ve found that even just having this in my toolbox, to use when I need it, can be helpful. Practicing this Loving Kindness Meditation can increase our sense of safety which can help us feel more calm, content, and at ease in social situations.
A Script for Loving Kindness Meditation
You can use the following script to make your own audio recording. Or, I’ve made a recording for you here, if you want to try it out first.
This is designed to be read aloud and it’s recommended that you not change the wording. Practice using the script as it is currently written first.
Committing to a daily practice is a recommended but, again, you might want to just try this out and see how it feels. If it helps a little bit, even once, it still counts 🙂
Here’s the script:
Find a comfortable seated position in a chair, on the floor, on the sofa. The most important thing is that you find a position in which you feel alert and the chances of you drifting off to sleep are minimal. For the practice of loving kindness you can keep your eyes open or closed—the choice is yours—with the understanding that our goal is to remain awake, as best we can.
Once you find that position, begin by simply taking a breath—with awareness. Not trying to change the breath or fix it in some way, just being fully present with the full duration of the inbreath and the full duration of the outbreath. You may notice it most strongly in the nose and the throat. Some people notice the breath in the chest or the belly. Wherever the breath is most alive for you, just allow yourself to rest your awareness there. If your mind wanders away from the breath, which it is prone to do, then, without judgment, just simply bring yourself back to the next natural inhalation or exhalation.
And now, very gently, allow your awareness to move from your breath to your heart center. Into that place, right there, in the middle of the chest. Not as much the physical heart but that place where we tend to feel warm emotions. If you would like to do so, sometimes people find it helpful to gently place their open hand over the location of their physical heart as this can help facilitate the practice.
As best you can, try and find a memory or feeling sense of a time when you experienced a strong sense of loving kindness, either from someone or toward someone. It might have been the first day you met your life partner; the day a child or grandchild was born; it might have even been a particular afternoon with your favorite pet, or a time when you felt warm appreciation after helping or being helped by someone. The idea is not to find the perfect experience or image, nor should you be concerned if you find yourself thinking of many different events or experiences. The idea is—as best you can—to re-create the warm, tender, or positive feelings associated with prior experiences of loving kindness, and to allow these feelings to grow in your heart center. For just a moment, allow these feelings to grow.
And now, in your mind’s eye, gently bring into focus an image of someone you care about, a person you already have existing warm feelings for, may feel love toward, or may feel a sense of positive connection with. It doesn’t have to be a perfect relationship or one without conflict—the idea is to find an image or feeling sense of someone you know whom you already have warm feelings for. As best you can, hold this image or a feeling sense of this person in your heart center. And now, from the feelings of loving kindness in the center of your chest, extend warm wishes to this person you care about.
Using these phrases, silently repeat to yourself…
May this person be at ease.
May they be content with their life. May they be joyful.
May they feel safe and secure.
Again, extending warm wishes of loving kindness to this person you care about… May they be at ease.
May they be content with their life.
May they be joyful.
May they feel safe and secure.
And again, from the source of loving kindness in your own heart, extending well wishes to this person you already care for…
May this person be at ease.
May they be content with their life. May they experience joy.
And may they feel safe and secure.
And now, gradually allow the image or feeling sense of this person you care for to gently dissolve from your mind’s eye, resting your attention back in your heart center, back into those feelings of warm loving kindness—as best you can.
Bring to mind an image of someone who you don’t really know, who you’ve at least seen once but don’t feel any connection with one way or another. It could be your postman, or a supermarket clerk you’ve seen, or someone else of that sort.
And again, as best you can, from your own heart, extending warm wishes of loving kindness toward this person you hardly know about, saying silently…
May this person be at ease.
May they be content with their life. May they be joyful.
May they feel safe and secure.
Again, extending warm wishes of loving kindness to this person you hardly know at all… May they be at ease.
May they be content with their life.
May they be joyful.
May they feel safe and secure.
And again, from the source of loving kindness in your own heart, extending well wishes to this person you barely know…
May this person be at ease.
That they be content with their life. That they be joyful.
That they feel safe and secure.
And now, with warm loving care, gently turn your attention back to the sensations of your breath and your heart center, allowing the image or feeling sense of this person you hardly know to be released—allowing yourself to rest here, in this moment, with your feelings of warmth and kindness. Remembering that you can carry with you throughout your day these warm feelings of love and kindness that you were able to generate, knowing that you can always find your heart center when needed and making a kindhearted commitment to integrate this practice of loving kindness into your life, as best you can. And when you are ready, you can open your eyes and bring your attention back into the room.
Some reminders and suggestions for further practice:
Remember, the goal of LKM practice is to activate a positive mood state associated with social safety. We want to try to spiral up out of feeling threatened or unsafe, into a better mindset and mood that can help us feel just a little bit more open, calm, and better able to connect with others.
If you find this practice helpful, you might consider making it a daily practice. Try practicing each day prior to leaving your house or first thing when you wake up.
And, if you like, you can also try writing down your experience in a daily practice log. Yuu might consider asking yourself these questions:
What did I notice during the practice?
How long did the social safety experience last?
How did it impact my day?
Notice if your day to day experience of the world and others starts to shift. And even if you don’t find this helpful as a daily practice, that’s okay, because you might still consider adding this Loving Kindness Meditation to your toolkit of skills and strategies to support you in your mental health journey.
(Adapted from Radically Open Behavioral Therapy by Dr. Thomas Lynch)
